Can I please have some of your wonderful wine?

Of course, none of us would ever dream of spending our heating allowance on booze, would we?

Anyway, due to the cost of living crisis we’re all going to be far too poor to buy wine, aren’t we?

So rest assured, Mr Kwarteng, if you’re reading this, it’s a mere fantasy piece.

What the little people would do if only they could. Like a fiscal event which isn’t a budget or one of those lavish costume dramas the BBC excel at. Better still, a Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall “doc” showing the lives of the rich and famous. That seems more apt.

So let’s just imagine, dear tipplers, that we’re City bankers on bonus day and that we actually do have £8 to spare.

Due to a recent scratchcard win we can even afford to put the oven on for a few hours to make a delicious Beef Bourgignon using ingredients carefully sourced from our local food bank.

Honestly, Kwasi, that’s how we live over here. Perhaps you could make a special case for us and put the allowance up to £500? What’s that? You’re putting it down to £300 to punish us for the crime of not being millionaires.

Ah Kwaz, I feel like Oliver Twist now. Anyhow, I digress.

Today’s Wine of the Week, which will be an ideal accompaniment to either beef Bourgignon or indeed a slow-cooked stew of tripe and onions, is the big, bold and intensely fruity 2019 Cigar Box Cabernet Sauvignon (£7.99, Lidl).

A smooth, juicy palate with pronounced notes of plum and black cherry leads to a satisfyingly lengthy finish with luxurious strands of vanilla and a hint of dark, bitter chocolate in this muscular Chilean red.

Of course, in my lovely home, Rose Cottage, we can’t currently stretch to beef or even tripe.

Right now my beloved wife, the enigmatic Madame G., is using tinned tuna, frozen peas and mushrooms she found reduced to half price to make a humble, homely but very flavoursome creamy tuna pasta.

My suppliers have provided me with a free bottle of the exceptionally fresh, fragrant and zesty 2021 Virgile Joly Sauvignon Blanc (£10.99, Naked Wines) which seems an ideal companion for any tuna, tinned or fresh.

This zingy, expressive, easy-drinking French white bursts with citrus and mineral flavours alongside floral aromatics which lead to a luscious palate full of round, gently spiced fruit flavours - lots of elderflower and peach with backnotes of almond - before a clean, tingly finish. A rustic and gloriously refreshing white.

I remember as a child my dear old mother sending me to the shop with £1 and me coming home with a bag of potatoes, a huge lump of cheese, a packet of butter, half a dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and a pint of milk. Alas, those days are gone, tipplers.

Too many security cameras now. As I write to you, it’s Monday and the pound is trading at a dollar four.

At this rate, by Saturday when you read this, it’ll struggle to buy you a penny chew. Economic ruin here, potential nuclear bombs there and a looming climate catastrophe everywhere. I think you can be forgiven for spending your heating allowance - if it ever arrives- on booze. Till next week, tipplers, should the Good Lord see fit to spare us, sante!