What really makes women happy?
ON Mother's Day, women will be given flowers, chocolates and taken out for meals in appreciation for all they do as mums.
A new book by American writer Ariel Gore entitled: 'Bluebird: Woman and the new psychology of happiness', asks the question: what really makes women, particularly mothers, happy?
Most mothers involved in the writer's research when asked the question automatically answered: "My children."
But when Gore asked them to keep a journal detailing when they experienced moments of genuine bliss, the women found that the times when they felt really happy was during time spent apart from their children.
Examples of instances they described as blissful included seeing friends, going to a yoga class, watching a DVD alone with a glass of wine.
Most women were happiest during activities that didn't require mothering.
Ariel Gore is of the opinion that what truly makes us happy are the things we don't get enough of, which for a mother, is probably a bit of solitude, especially in those early years when mother and child seem to be velcro-ed together.
Even in 2010, society is inclined to think it's a terrible thing for a mother to admit enjoying time away from her child because this does not comply with the picture of motherhood described by popular culture.
A mother's world is meant to revolve around her children, and it does, because it has to.
Our children need us, we love them and will willingly do anything for them, but no one tells you that involves giving up a huge part of yourself for years, and in some cases never getting the essence of what was once you back again.
Women can become lost, exhausted and worn down by the sheer grind of motherhood – yet are too afraid to admit they are disillusioned and struggling, for fear of being harshly judged by others – especially other mothers!
Many of us reach for food in an effort to self-medicate our feelings of loneliness and stress, and then are damned, and as the blindingly obvious case of TB (two bellies) tells a story of discontentment, we are criticised for letting ourselves go.
The happiness of women has been historically under-studied and oversimplified; we are still portrayed as looking for the fairytale ending.
Romantic movies that have been a part of our growing up, like 'An Officer and a Gentleman', and 'Pretty Woman' , end with the girl getting her man.
Their happy endings go no further than that, as the reality of marriage and rearing children wouldn't make the escapist romantic viewing we so enjoy.
The difference in being a mother and being a father hits many women at weekends when they are abandoned for football / rugby / fishing / delete as applicable.
Even in this day and age men will still escape the family at weekends to indulge their hobbies.
It's not exactly the stuff fairytales are made of, yet many women have to endure being left to sail the parental boat solo because daddy needs his 'me' time.
It's understandable why they didn't make a sequel to 'An Officer and a Gentleman'; would we still feel the same about Richard Gere if we watched him bog off with the boys each Saturday, leaving poor old Deborah Winger holding the baby?
It's still not entirely socially acceptable or thought natural for a woman to admit that she might like to take time off from her parenting duties.
To achieve being a happy mum, women need to get the right balance of 'mum' time and 'me' time but that's almost impossible for many.
Not all women are programmed to thrive on endless hours of parenting; it's challenging and tiring.
Relishing time alone doesn't mean that we are bad mothers or don't love our children – it simply means being a mum is hard work.
As Rose from the classic TV show The Golden Girls aptly quipped: "It's not easy being a mother; if it were easy, fathers would do it!"
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Tuesday 14 February 2012
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