Make an honest man of him?
Luckily he said yes...
It’s a leap year, when, according to tradition, women are given the green card to propose to their partners. JOANNE SAVAGE considers the ethics of women taking matters into their own hands
February 29 is the day in the calendar - it comes once every four years, once in every 1,461 days to be precise - when women were historically ‘allowed’ to propose to their dithering men.
Folklore has it that the tradition was born when St Brigid of Kildare, in fifth century Ireland, complained to St Patrick that women were having to wait too long for their men to propose. Patrick’s solution was that on a leap year, on February 29, women should be allowed to do the proposing. And he even decreed that where women’s hopes were dashed, they should be able to extract a fine or a beautiful garment of clothing from the man (to soften the blow).
The tradition was given the stamp of royal approval in 1288 when Queen Margaret of Scotland decreed that on Leap Year’s Day, a woman could propose. If the man did not accept he was to pay a £1 fine.
But, really, do women need the blessing of silly traditions to ‘permit’ them to propose? Or doesn’t this only highlight the fact that 99 per cent of the time it’s all down to men making their mind up to seize the moment with a diamond ring?
Many of us are certain that women do not need to be given permmission to ask their partners to marry them because of some outdated tradition inaugurated by a saint; if we want to ask, we’ll ask, just as a man would do.
For when you’re madlly in love, and his eyes are so dreamy, and you imagine that nothing but putting a ring on it will do (at the very least it will make it more expensive for him to attempt to run off with someone else), and Valentine’s day is tomorrow...maybe you’re feeling that it’s time to ask, because love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage?
But still, a significant number of us - those dreaming of a white wedding and being swept off their crystal-slippered feet by Prince Charming/Mr Darcy/a brawny-looking hero on a horse with a sword and a lantern jaw - prefer to defer to tradition and feel, perhaps, reluctant about taking matters into their own hands. I mean, how embarrassing would if be if you got down on one knee in a fancy restaurant only to find that he, eye-level with your cleavage, looks confused, then frightened, then breaks out in a sweat and says no or worse still, you hear, while the rest of the room looks on: ‘I’m sorry but I’ve been having an affair with Jenny from accounts...’?
A leap year is a green card for taking the matter in hand and making an honest man of him, but be warned.
Some men are traditionalists and may find it difficult to accept a proposal from a woman, feeling that their role has been usurped - in which case you’ll just have to wait until he gets down on one knee (or find someone else who isn’t so strung up on traditional gender roles).
So it might be a good idea to start a conversation with him about the possibility of marriage first and see how he reacts (obviously it’s not a good sign if he turns pure white or faints).
If you’re certain you want to do the proposing - for as Zsa Zsa Gabor, who proposed to all nine of her husbands, put it: “A woman has to make up a man’s mind” - its worthwhile considering that men sometimes have a different idea of what’s romantic. Perhaps a proposal on a football pitch or on the golf course would mean more to him than a candlelit dinner for two with wine and roses? Should you ask him to marry you and then give him season tickets for the rugby and a crate of beer as an engagement gift?
Should you buy him a ring? Probably not - you don’t want to unman him completely and diamonds aren’t known to excite the male pscyhe in quite the same way.
If you aren’t so sure of his answer it’s probably best not to propose over a tannoy system or in a packed eaterie, on live television or in in front of a room full of stunned and sem-drunken relatives.
UTV journalist Alison Fleming proposed to her boyfriend Damian in 1996 while working at Belfast Community Radio (now Citybeat).
“I didn’t actually propose on air, “ Alison confides. “I recorded a radio piece and played it to him in my car, with me proposing at the end of it. I read the news and then did a story about it being a leap year and how that meant women could propose to their partners. And then I just said: ‘So Damian, will you marry me?’ He said yes; he was giggling and laughing - it was pretty funny. But we’d talked about getting married before so I already new what his answer would be.
“I just thought I would abuse my position as a broadcaster to make a tape proposing!
“I would say if you know he’s the one - go for it, don’t let him get away.”
Alison was obviously right in taking ‘the leap’ of love as she and Damain Heavern are still happily married and have three children.
Lynda Bryans popped the question to Mike Nesbitt during a leap year while the couple were holidaying in New York.
“I did propose to Mike but we had talked about it quite a bit beforehand so I don’t think it was a total surprise for him at all. We had envisaged a life together.
“It was a leap year, so I was teasing him about that, and we were on holiday in New York.
“We’d booked a nice dinner in a restaurant and I just thought it would be memorable if I proposed to him. I think he knew it was going to happen because somebody tipped off the waiters to bring champagne.
“I did go to the bathroom to reapply my lipstick on before I asked. I made a little speech and talked about - oh some guff about how I’d given things a lot of thought! - particularly since this was going to be a second marriage for both of us. Mike fell for it all and that was that.
“Mike and I are 20 years married this year.”
So should you take inspiration from Alison and Lynda and pop the question this leap year?
Well, if he’s the one, and you’re certain you can’t live without him, and you’re tired waiting for him to produce a ring despite innumerable glaring hints, you have the blessing of tradition on February 29.
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Friday 25 May 2012
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