A few years ago a researcher at Ulster University proved beyond doubt from my DNA that I was an unsullied descendant of Vikings who first arrived in Ireland in 795 AD.
I would like to find out how many Vikings live in Northern Ireland so that we can create a political interest group to campaign for an Old Norse language act and set up our own schools.
As an ethnic group we have been discriminated against for too long.
We have been caricaturised for centuries as only interested in booze, birds and bling.
To make matters worse most of my siblings had bright red hair and we suffered bullying and unfair treatment contrary to our human rights.
One street corner-boy, dressed usually in an older brother’s short trousers which reached to his ankles, used to shout: “Hey you! Did your oul ma leave you out in the rain until your hair rusted?”
I’ve been called “ginger snap”, “ginger bap”, “ginger tom” and “carrot top”.
I learnt contingently how to use my fists and would pursue numerous miscreants and give them a deserved hammering.
We demand an inequality commission which will discriminate positively for us.
We want diversity in our inequality and who can be against that?
We red-haired Vikings demand parity of coiffure, free wigs and free hair transplants.
Letting the hare sit is not an option as that would be bad form in Marxist false class consciousness. Hirsute history written for political purposes is on our side.
In the name of Odin there will be no return to the status quo after the coming Stormont election.
All together now
Odin! Odin! Odin!
George McNally, Londonderry