What really gets your goat?

Does junk mail get on your wick? Do cold callers bug the life out of you? Enjoy a good old gripe about the weather? Then read on and find out what really rattles some well-known Ulster folk. By Helen McGurk - and let us know what annoys you..
Victor Meldrew loved a good moanVictor Meldrew loved a good moan
Victor Meldrew loved a good moan

Do you feel the serotonin levels in your brain plummet as you walk past a shop with haphazard grammar on its signage; does your spleen seethe when yet another sales assistant hands you your ‘wee receipt’ or ‘wee bill’; does your blood boil when some wannabee on a TV reality show talks about their ‘incredible journey’, or worse, how they’ve ‘nailed it’ or ‘smashed it’?

If the answer is yes, then you are not alone, dear reader.

Modern life is full of irritants, and each of us has our own pet peeves - those things, animal, vegetable or mineral, which we find deeply irksome, leading to an unleashing of our inner Victor Meldrew.

George Jones' pet peeve is the weatherGeorge Jones' pet peeve is the weather
George Jones' pet peeve is the weather
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Dan Gordon admits he loves a good vent. Indeed, when asked about his bugbears, the Belfast-born actor, director and playwright responded with a list of torments - brace yourself!

‘‘Phone checking/lighting up, ringing, texting during a play in the theatre.

‘‘Driving over mini roundabouts instead of driving around them – (there’s one at Dee Street on to the Sydenham By-Pass and Ballyclare is coming down with them!)

‘‘Dog walkers with stretchy leads.

Chef Paula McIntyre can't stand chewing gumChef Paula McIntyre can't stand chewing gum
Chef Paula McIntyre can't stand chewing gum

‘‘Parking in disabled spaces or parent and pram spaces or cycle lanes and have neither disability, children, pram or bike.

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“Shop assistants giving change by putting the notes into your hand first and then the coins on top of the notes – the coins fall everywhere when you try to close your hand.

‘‘Public toilets are a whole level of Hell - wet toilet seats - toilet roll dispensers that don’t or can’t or won’t. ‘Wet Seats. Wet floors. Unflushed. No soap. No paper towels. Wet door handles…

‘‘Hipster Beards. Offenders should be issued with a paper bag’’

Dan Gordon can't stand hipster beards, among  many other thingsDan Gordon can't stand hipster beards, among  many other things
Dan Gordon can't stand hipster beards, among many other things

“Eyebrow painting on anyone under 30. Same paper bag law should apply but only one eyehole.

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‘‘American spelling of English words. Labor – color – license – center – theater – neighbor – defense – these people must be stopped.

‘‘I done – I seen – without a ‘have’.

‘‘Confusion of – your, you’re, there, their, they’re, where, were – offenders should be banned from the internet and their phone should be hit with a hammer.

‘‘Michael McIntyre. Jellyfish. Piers Morgan. Baboon bottoms. (If I have to keep one I’ll keep the Baboon bottoms).’’

Whilst celebrity chef Paula McIntyre’s list isn’t quite as long as Dan’s, she cites bad driving as her top vexation.

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‘‘When drivers are incapable of using their indicators when turning into a junction.

‘‘Also tailgating - I slow down and pull over so much now because I practically have people in my boot.

‘‘And people who text and drive - it’s insane, especially with all the adverts on TV showing how dangerous it is.’’ Paula adds that chewing gum annoys her ‘‘on every level’’.

‘‘The look of anyone chewing it and then the splats on every pavement where they’ve spat it out. Disgusting stuff - suck a mint instead.’’

And don’t get her started on shoddy service!

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‘‘When you walk into a restaurant and the front of house staff ignore you because they’re talking to each other.

‘‘Bad service in general gets on my nerves - whether in retail, hospitality or any public service.

“A few months ago I was in a restaurant with friends and we all ordered different white spirits ( gin, vodka and Bacardi) and the waiter proceeded to sniff them to discern which one was which. ‘‘When I pointed out the inappropriateness and lack of hygiene, he gave me the death stare.

“I’ve had waiters spill drinks over me and they’ve apologised profusely - it’s not a big deal, anyone can make a mistake but not admitting to mistakes annoys me.’’

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Stalwart of the showband scene George Jones is clear about his pet hates.

He cites: ‘‘Too many ads on TV and radio; very slow drivers; people with no talent being successful and therefore denying people with talent work and success; not enough music for the older generation being played on radio ..... and, of course, Northern Ireland’s weather.’’

Popular Ulster comedian William Caulfield said there are lots of things which get on his nerves, including clipboards, incompetent restaurant staff and drivers who wait at a green light.

‘‘Today with the rising popularity of social media my pet hate and thing I would wish consigned into room 101 is requests from ‘friends’ to copy and paste some status or other.

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‘‘Sometimes they are related to health issues or to charities or to some political view point or other but all have the same bleeding heart message at the end... “please copy and paste this, keep it moving, I know which of my friends will share this etc etc”.

“Well, I say NOT A CHANCE, this rubbish is just a modern version of the old chain letters from years ago, “don’t break this chain or bad fortune will come to you”.

‘‘It’s all a load of nonsense and I will be copying and pasting nothing! So send all you like, trust me it will end with me and with a bit of good fortune or luck it will be dumped in Room 101 forever.’’

Give My Head Peace star Alexandra Ford finds the seemingly inoffensive herb dill, objectionable.

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‘‘Revolting! Spoils a good gherkin,’’ and her list goes on...

‘‘People who don’t bother to recycle and waste water. Protect our planet!

‘‘The Sunlife over 50 plan. I’ve seen the ads with Parky.

‘‘Drivers who hog the outside lane of the motorway. It’s an overtaking lane, for goodness sake!

‘‘People who put the jam on their scone AFTER the cream: just wrong.

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‘‘Bad grammar and misspelled signs. I often long for a large red marker to fix them.’’

l Having a moan can be enjoyable, in a dark sort of way.

It indicates a healthy scepticism and helps us bond with each other, so we’d love to hear your pet hates.

Get it off your chest and send to: [email protected], or, if you prefer, send a ‘wee’ letter in the post to Helen McGurk, News Letter, Suite 302-303, Arthur House, 41 Arthur St, Belfast. BT1 4GB.

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