Why Brexit will be ‘Titanic’ success

Unexpectedly genius: Foreign secretary Boris Johnson
Unexpectedly genius: Foreign secretary Boris Johnson
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Since Boris Johnson, our somehow always lovably buffoonish Foreign Secretary, made the hilarious announcement that Brexit means Brexit and the British government are so passionately intent on ‘making a Titanic success of it’ , I have been laughing and marvelling at the wisdom this man clearly possesses despite his clown-like jollity. It could be that Boris Johnson is one of the great intellects of our time, despite his oft confused visage.

Boris, you see, probably in his deep subconscious, already understands that we are about to act as architects for British and European doom, opening the door to potential pan-European division and perhaps even conflict. Yes, Boris, a total maritime disaster on a beauteous liner that began in hope and ended in so much tragic loss of life and unexpected destruction is just the way to look at our imminent rejection of the EU.

Titanic, you will recall, was deemed to be unsinkable when she departed Belfast. It was a project that began in hubris but ended in utter horror - again, a sentiment that is completely apt for the forthcoming insane plan the will of the people has called for. The bureaucracy itself will be like trying to wrestle with an octopus or dancing with a goat on an ice rink.

Boris obviously intended his statement to suggest a commitment to Herculean success in this disengagement process, but we all know that Freudian slips can be much more eloquent and truthful than well-thought through remarks. And Boris’s Titanic success is so brilliantly oxymoronic it seems to have come from a place of almost god-like yet unconscious prophecy.

Great Britannia is about to hit a huge iceberg so lethal to national and European equilibrium that unless we quickly change course the consequences will only become fully apparent once we have begun to act - much like jumping into a pit full of lions in order to save a friend only to completely regret this decision when you realise you are unarmed and rendered equally useless in a dead faint, or jumping out of an aeroplane and then realising you are about to meet your end because you forgot the bloody parachute.

This covert admission of forthcoming failure is Boris admitting he’s flummoxed, confused, a bit baffled.

And the only reason Theresa May keeps repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’ is because she doesn’t know what Brexit will really amount to at all, except that seismic change lies ahead. Brexit means Brexit is just like saying ‘It is what it is’, just empty tautology that amounts to zilch. Or else the prime minister repeats Brexit means Brexit because she wishes to commit to this performatively, but is secretly praying that Britain may yet secure something far more subtle and less drastic than Goodbye, Brussels.

Pro-Brexiteers will argue that the people have spoken and there is a democratic deficit in overriding the will of the masses by insisting a parliamentary vote is imperative before any triggering of Article 50. But let us be clear: the Brexit referendum result was really an opportunity for the public at large to declare its dissatisfaction with a political class it no longer feels listens to or represents them; austerity has largely been the impetus for this as well as a growing margin between the haves and have-nots.