Will your relationship survive the lockdown pressure cooker?

Then there’s children at home driving you batty and perhaps you are juggling work while playing super hero game-fights with a toddler or being bashed over the head with a light saber while trying to finish a report.

There’s a whole welter of domestic chores to be fought over, arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes, hoover or mow the lawn being blown up to apocalyptic levels when we’re sealed off from the outside world that would surely grant us greater perspective. Truly there are breakups that have been instigated by nothing more then a row over loading the dishwasher.

So can your relationship survive lockdown?

Well it may not be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, but there is a way to navigate this crisis without ending up weeping while swigging gin as you frantically scroll through Tinder again.

Yes, China’s divorce rate did rise when lockdown ended, but this need not necessarily be the case for local couples.

“Communication is absolutely at the heart of healthy relationships,” says Duane Farrell, chief executive of relationship experts Relate NI, who are continuing to offer telephone and webcam counselling at his time.

“Everyone is feeling stressed and anxious at the moment so naturally that can spill over into arguments. You need to check in with each other but also, crucially, to give each other space. I think it’s living on top of each other that is causing a lot of strain.

“Being ale to talk through problems is a skill that really does keep people together. Share your annoyances before they become whopping resentments. Support each other and do things together that you enjoy and can look forward to as a couple or as a family. You must learn to deal with conflict constructively.”

Anger management techniques, counting to ten before you lose the rag, this might seem obvious, but these are of course to be recommended.

“Try to understand things from the other’s person’s point of view, even if you disagree with them,” Farrell says. “And do not use abusive language. It’s also important to remember that for children witnessing parents arguing is deeply distressing, so it’s important that you let them see you make up. Otherwise it can have a hugely detrimental effect.”

Farrell also advices doing things that you enjoy for yourself, staying in contact with friends, so that when you come back to your relationship you have new experiences and thoughts to share.

“You need to practice self-care and remember to pursue individual interests to take the pressure off the main relationship in your life.”

A survey conducted by The Guardian found that friendship was key in couples staying together. Stay good friends and the relationship will be mostly a piece of cake, It’s the foundation a great relationship is build on.

Physical intimacy is also, obviously, important. It’s really a relationship clue and can increase your chances of longevity massively.

Something you should also try to do is embrace the differences between you and your significant other without seeing this as problematic. You can learn from this and complement each other accordingly. Difference is the spice of life.

Also, expect that relationships will of necessity entail arguments and that arguments - albeit constructive ones - can actually bring you closer together. It’s all about how you work to resolve those differences, as Farrell mentions.

If your relationship is in serious difficulty then bring in the experts for a bit of help in getting back on track before simply throwing in the towel.

And, crucially, accept that nothing is hunky dory 24/7, with the best will in the world there will be arguments, crises, differences of opinion. No relationship between fallible human beings is ever perfect.

Dr Judith Zur, a clinical psychologist and marital family therapist, explains that given the stress of the coronavirus pandemic, many of us will not be at our best emotionally.

Zur’s main relationship advice is to communicate. Empathy is key for couples and families alike. She also shares three other pointers to help nudge our relationships in the right direction during quarantine: structure, anticipate and negotiate.

Our daily routines have been shattered, structure that we took for granted has evaporated almost overnight. Faced with this new reality, Zur’s advice is to quickly establish clear divisions of labour in the household and to allocate tasks between couples and children.

Family members should try to be flexible and be prepared to take on different chores than prior to lockdown. These should be discussed so the plans feel fair and then reviewed after a few days to see if they are working.

And if you find yourself feeling that jobs carried out by family members are not up to your standards, keep quiet and turn a blind eye.

At a time when we feel scared and stressed, we need to have time for calm and to listen to other people’s feelings.

Men have a tendency to try to problem-solve, but Zur urges everyone to focus on listening without judgement, dismissal or evaluation.

Some other useful tips from Relate NI are as follows:

Consider space around the home – with everyone living under the one roof 24/7 we may have to get creative making multiuse spaces and agreeing who uses where and when.

Listen to one another’s petty annoyances before they escalate, at the same time also consider what minor annoyances don’t matter in the big scheme of things and practise the art of letting things go (we are after all in the middle of a pandemic, does it really matter if he forgot to leave the blue bin out?)

Be aware of the impact of your actions and how these may affect others around you. If we know we tend to leave a trail of destruction behind us be a little more considerate by tidying up after ourselves rather than leaving for someone else to do it.

It’s also okay to have alone time. Living under the one roof can feel a bit claustrophobic at times – it’s okay to want to spend time alone perhaps reading, spending time in the garden or going for a walk by yourself.

Maintain contact with other people. It can be a lot to expect all of our social and relational needs to be met by one person. Using technology to keep in contact with friends, other family members or work colleagues helps to bring new energy into the household.

At the same time avoid becoming all consumed by social media use. It can be quite addictive spending time online but may indicate avoidance or intimacy issues in your face-to-face relationships. Try to limit social media time and spend quality time with your partner instead.

It can be easy to slip into endless days. Try to add daily and weekly structures and routines, which will help to provide consistency and get things done around the home.

Share household tasks – most relationship resentment develops when one member feels burdened by responsibilities and not respected by others.

These next few weeks and months are going to be a challenge for everyone. None of us are going to be perfect partners. Do your best and thank each other for being willing to make an effort.

Tell your partner: “I see all the work you’ve been doing. Thank you.” As challenging as everything is at this time, there’s also a lot to be grateful for. Try to share a few things you’re grateful for every few days.

The more gratitude you express, the more often you’ll find yourself noticing little moments to appreciate. And we could all use more of those now.

For relationship counselling and advice visit www.relateni.org