Bushmills is your best bet for beautiful Irish wine

Wine-lovers, today I bring you exciting news from Bushmills. For centuries the town has been synonymous with Ireland's greatest whiskey but now, thanks to an ingenious scientific formula devised by local resident, Esmond Bartholomew-Baxtor, Bushmills is set to produce Ireland's first commercially viable red and white wines on a mass scale.

Negotiations for seed funding with Australian's legendary McGuigan brothers have, Esmond informs me, reached an advanced stage. In the meantime I'm delighted to announce that he has hired me to work in the tasting room (for now, that means my back shed) where I will be responsible for mixing together the various fruit, nut, leather, tobacco, spice and farmyard flavourings which we will add to our genetically modified grapes.

Our first wine, Baxtor's Causeway Colossus which currently tastes quite soupy but should develop into a ferociously crisp Sauvignon Blanc is scheduled to hit the supermarket shelves in 2025. And so long as I can source some decent artificial violet and tar flavours, Gleug's Giant Steps Chianti will follow in 2026.

Until then, tipplers, we'll have to make do with Sauvignons and Chiantis from more traditional viticultural strongholds. On which note today's first recommendation and our Wine of the Week is the bol and delicately spiced 2021 M&S Chianti DOCG (£8). This opulent yet supple representation of the Italian classic has an intriguing palate full of ripe cherry flavours and earthy, spices before a finish with hints of vanilla, coriander and liquorice. My darling wife, the enigmatic Madame G., and I enjoyed ours at our lovely home, Rose Cottage, last weekend with spaghetti and meatballs in a rich, spicy tomato sauce. Esmond tells me he prefers his with liver and fava beans.

Lovers of white, you may prefer the fresh, fragrant and lively 2022 Red Easthope Sauvignon Blanc (currently £15, Naked Wines, www.nakedwines.co.uk). This zingy, elegant New Zealand white bursts with sharp lime and kiwi flavours which mingle with elderflower and passionfruit aromatics and backnotes of almond before a clean finish. It went nicely with the baked trout in a creamy garlicky sauce with roast vegetables and plenty of dill which my Madame cooked for Esmond and I last Sunday to reward us for our entrepreneurial endeavours.

Perhaps our favourite recent meal has been chicken thighs braised in rose wine with shallots, baby mushrooms and herbs. I used 200 ml of the delicate, dry, salmon-pink 2022 La Vieille Ferme Rose (£6.50, Sainsbury's) along with 500 ml of good chicken stock for my braising liquor. The rest I just horsed into me. Teeming with redcurrant, raspberry and strawberry flavours, this mouthful of summer in a glass, will also go well with simply cooked fish. Due to the inclement weather conditions which prevail round here, Ezmo and I are putting plans to enter the saturated rose market on the long finger. For now, we're just focusing on getting our numbers straight for Touker in particular on our upcoming Dragons Den pitch.

Speaking of long fingers, is that a big hairy spider I see crawling up your arm? Mind how you go out there this weekend for I'm told there's likely to be a sizeable coterie of jokers and chancers out there playing silly pranks today. I'm just glad that this column remains a sanctuary from all the tomfoolery and mischief in our crazy little world….or has it?

Till next week, tipplers, which if my seven remaining fingers can count correctly will be the April 8, from Esmond, Madame and me, a joyous sante!