Jonny McCambridge: Expert commentary from the Olympic sofa

I say slowly because I put my back out the day before and can’t move very fast. As I descend, holding the bannister, I am troubled by the corns in my left foot and also notice that my left ear seems to be clogged up. I hope that I am not going deaf on that side.

I make it to the front room and sink into my familiar place on the sofa. I find my comfortable spot and pick up the remote control but have to squint to distinguish the little buttons. My eyesight is not what it once was and I remind myself that I need to book an eye test. I’ll do it later.

I turn the telly on and settle down to watch the Olympics, as I have done every morning for the past two weeks. Cycling from the velodrome in Tokyo is on the BBC.

I check my phone and notice a couple of messages in a WhatsApp group to which I belong. There are four middle-aged men in the group; me, an accountant (we’ll call him AC), a computer programmer (IT) and a civil servant (CS). We are all bound by a shared, patchy knowledge of sport and a communal sense of reluctance about showing ignorance on any subject which we are discussing.

I check the messages.

AC: ‘I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. My alarm went off, but I just couldn’t face it.’

IT: I was going to go for a run, but I’ve got a dodgy knee. Best to take it easy for a bit.’

I type out a message.

ME: ‘The cycling is on. Is anyone watching the madison?’

AC: ‘What’s the madison? Is that the one with the little electric bike out in front?’

IT: ‘No, that’s the omnium.’

ME: ‘No it’s not, you plonker, that’s the keirin.’

IT: ‘What’s the omnium then?’

ME: ‘That’s the one with the different races.’

AC: ‘And the madison?’

ME: ‘It’s the long race with two cyclists who race in turn and they have sprints every 10 laps.’

AC: ‘You are an anorak.’

ME: ‘The Dutch are the favourites for this madison race.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

AC: ‘Did you see the sprint earlier? The British guy went into the repechage.’

CS: ‘What’s a repechage?’

IT: ‘No, I was watching the diving.’

ME: ‘How did Daley get on?’

IT: ‘Not too bad. Too much over-rotation on his dives and he’s sending up too much splash on his entry. There’s a few technical things he needs to improve on for the final.’

ME: ‘He will do well to challenge the Chinese. They are the dominant force in diving.’

AC: ‘Did you see the British pole-vaulter getting the bronze?’

ME: ‘That’s Britain’s first ever medal in Olympic pole-vaulting.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

There is a slight lull in the exchange of messages. Just long enough for some Googling to be carried out. The cycling race begins.

ME: ‘Good start by GB. This is the first time the women’s madison has been in the Olympics.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

AC: ‘He knows it because the commentator said it two minutes ago.’

IT: ‘Much like the rowing, Britain seems to have lost its dominance in the cycling. Something is not quite working in their training programme.’

ME: ‘They did well in the swimming though.’

AC: ‘And the BMX.’

CS: ‘Surely BMX is cycling?’

ME: ‘The Dutch are down! The Dutch are down!’

IT: ‘Oh, that’s a bad crash.’

AC: ‘She brought down the Belgian rider too. She rode straight over the top of her!’

ME: ‘That’s the Australian rider’s fault. You can’t come through the middle like that when they are trying to tag their partner. That’s against the rules.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

AC: ‘That will be painful. If you come down on this surface it takes all the skin off your arms and legs.’

CS: ‘Do you have experience of this?’

IT: ‘Did you see the Australian rider crash the other day? The handlebars just fell off his bike.’

CS: ‘Ouch.’

ME: ‘That shouldn’t happen with these bikes. They are made out of carbon fibre and are incredibly strong.’

CS: ‘Really?’

IT: ‘I’ve never seen that happen before.’

AC: ‘But you have to remember the extreme G force pressure when they go around the track at high speeds. These bikes are light and are designed for ultimate aerodynamic performance and something has to give sometimes.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

ME: ‘Do you know that the rules state that all bikes in the competition have to be commercially available? You can buy one of these British Olympic bikes for £27,000.’

CS: ‘How do you know that?’

IT: ‘He knows it because the commentator on the telly just said it.’

ME: ‘I already knew it.’

CS: ‘Did you?’

ME: ‘Yeah, the commentator said it yesterday as well.’

AC: ‘The British team are really dominating here. They seem to be winning every sprint in this race.’

IT: ‘Madison is all about getting the tactics right, having the endurance for the long distance and being able to mix it up with the power of the sprints.’

ME: ‘This is undoubtedly the most dominant madison performance that I have ever seen.’

CS: ‘How many madisons have you watched?’

IT: ‘Gold medal for team GB! They were utterly dominant.’

CS: ‘I thought you said they had lost their dominance in the cycling?’

ME: ‘I’m looking forward to the athletics later.’

AC: ‘Did you see the two high jumpers deciding to share the gold medal? That was a lovely moment.’

CS: ‘I didn’t know you were allowed to do that?’

ME: ‘Oh yes, it’s within the rules as long as the two athletes agree.’

IT: ‘What has gone wrong with the US sprinters?’

ME: ‘They didn’t hold a pre-Olympics training camp. I think that was their main problem.’

CS: ‘Are you just copying what Michael Johnson said to Gabby Logan?’

AC: ‘What are you up to later Jonny? Are you going for a run?’

ME: ‘No, I’ve put my back out. I might go for a fry before the athletics starts.’

IT: ‘Cool.’