It’s like that tonight. It’s well after midnight and I’m still awake. I study the thin strip of light which seeps in under the gap at the bottom of the blinds, creating sinister shapes on the wall.
I consider reading a book, but feel that my mind is too broken down for that level of concentration. Instead I lift my phone and begin to scan the digital offerings from a few news organisations. There is no story or headline which is fresh or novel enough to persuade me to click on it.
So I switch to one of my social media accounts. Soon I read a short and unremarkable tweet from a well-known politician about the current health crisis. I notice that the post has received a large number of responses so I click on it and begin to roll my finger along the screen to view the comments.
The further my finger travels, the deeper the levels of vituperation exposed. Some of the comments are constructive, some are harsh in their criticism, but by far the larger number are abusive and often personal in nature.
In the dark I start of think about what I am consuming. I do not know the politician involved, other than because this person has a high public profile. Similarly, I do not know any of the people who have passed comment (several have assumed false identities in any case). There should be no emotional link between me and the content. But yet I know I am feeling lower than before. There is now a small pulse of despair somewhere deep inside my core.
I came to social media late in my life, years after most of my peers had already established their profiles. In the end I only created my accounts when it had become clear that it was absurd to be a working journalist yet still remain outside of the network. Since then I have always felt as if I’m trying to catch up with something that I don’t really understand. It’s like a secret that has been trusted to everyone else in room, except me.
I suppose my limited exposure means I have adopted a Panglossian view of the forums that I use. I have mostly escaped being trolled and the overwhelming majority of the people who engage with me are supportive and kind. I have made new friends through social media and re-engaged with several old friends who I had previously lost touch with.
Also, the nature of the material I post on social media is unlikely to attract much opprobrium. This is complemented with an understanding that were I of a different sex, gender, or if I overtly expressed strong political views, then I would be more likely to become a target for unwelcome attention.
I said that I had mostly escaped trolling. The one exception to this was a couple of years back when a small number of people seemed to become angered because of something I had written about a desire for a society which is more compassionate and tolerant to aid positive mental health. Some of them branded me ‘The Little Snowflake’ on Twitter.
The sobriquet was, I assume, chosen to diminish and humiliate me. In fact I quite liked it. Each snowflake is beautiful and utterly unique. I passed my thanks on to the critics and the abuse quickly petered out.
Although I historically have not spent much of my time on social media, I am lately becoming more aware of the abundance of invective which exists within that space. Perhaps there is a building frustration because the lockdown has stretched on so long, keeping people brooding in their homes; or maybe it has always been this bad but I just haven’t had the time to study it before.
Either way it raises troubling questions - why do so many people devote so much of their energy towards producing hateful content? Why is there such a common desire to wound others?
I suppose there is something about social media which changes all of us. I am as guilty of this as anyone, going back to my phone over and over to see if the inane ramblings which I have posted have garnered many likes or retweets. The rules of the game are all built around seeking the attention and approval of others, creating a need where none had existed before.
Perhaps the trolling is an extension of this, users moving towards ever more extreme reaction to get noticed, to get those few extra clicks.
This may be part of it. I am quite certain that the majority of users who poured abuse towards the politician this night would behave in a very different way if they were to encounter the same individual on the street.
But there is something else which occurs to me now, something which perhaps reveals the reason for the disturbance in my post-midnight equanimity. So much of what I am reading on social media is based around confrontation, and so many of the people involved are clearly up for for the fight.
I read long exchanges between users, bitter quarrels where both are utterly convinced of the rectitude of their positions, both entirely unwilling to consider the position of the adversary, both determined to scale greater heights of cruelty to debase the other.
This is what chills me. In life I generally attempt to avoid confrontation, go out of my way to accommodate the other point of view, try to ensure that reason and respect trump base emotion. I simply haven’t got the stomach for the combat.
Rather than connecting me with other people, too much time reading social media increases my sense of isolation, making me feel like a man looking a different way from the accepted direction of travel.
It is time to put the phone down. I am not sure that I am any closer to sleep, but I feel I need it more than ever. I hope that some rest will ease my current low mood, that its restorative power can ensure that my fears will melt away...just like a little snowflake.
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