Jackie McGregor: Emotional incest - mother don't smother, be your kid's parent not their pal
In a recent interview, actress Patsy Kensit stated that she was "co-dependent on her kids to the point it wasn’t fair, I could sense that in them," she said.
This is a behaviour seen in many parent-child relationships, it’s sometimes referred to as ‘emotional incest’ or ‘enmeshment.’ The mention of the word incest can muddy the waters in explanation, but it’s in no way physical or sexual in nature, it involves the blurring of healthy boundaries in the parent-child relationship.
In this kind of relationship, the child often becomes the confidant, therapist, or emotional partner for the parent. The parent might confide inappropriate details like financial worries, marital problems or personal insecurities to their child, burdening them with problems that they aren’t equipped to deal with. Role reversal can occur when a child assumes the role of caretaker for the parent, feeling responsible for the parent’s emotional wellbeing and happiness. In some cases, parents may also rely on their children for companionship.
I find hearing someone refer to their child as their best friend unsettling. A child isn’t supposed to be a parent’s friend, our offspring should have friends their own age, going through their rites of passage together, not trying to be the emotional crutch for their parent. Often, these parents lack friends or support or are in unfulfilling romantic pairings. They tend to become overly involved in their children's lives and encroach on their child’s boundaries, invading their privacy, not respecting their personal space or feelings, they make their needs priority over their offspring’s.
I experienced co-dependency with both my parents. I was the youngest of four children, my parents had me in their forties, so I got to be their companion and carer in their twilight years. My mother looked to me for emotional support and friendship, she would often say,
“You’re the light of my life, I’d be lost without you,” rather than this declaration illumining my heart with joy, I felt a tremendous weight of responsibly, one I should have never had to shoulder. When she died, my father took over where she left off, I became his emotional sponge too, feeling great responsibility for his well-being, he looked on me as an oracle, ever ready to dispense advice, comfort and humour to him. I adored them both, but they emotionally devoured me, it was a difficult path and can still prove to be to this day, because of how much of my life was invested in theirs’.
Patsy Kensit also revealed how difficult it was for her when her sons left home: “It’s broken my heart because they grow and they leave,” she said.
Many parents will be feeling this now (as I am), with children starting university and going off to find their own path, it’s a poignant moment, but it shouldn't break us. Kids need roots and wings.
Children don’t come from us, they come through us, they aren’t extensions of their parents and should be free to follow their own path, find their own friends and have a parent who's a parent, not an emotional vampire or a best friend.
Having experienced parental co-dependency, I’ve seen how parents can unintentionally stifle growth by becoming enmeshed with their children in this smothering way. Love is always best held in an open hand.