Jackie McGregor: Sofa so good – until I found myself in a hostage situation

I trotted towards it, then went into full romantic movie mode, running to it, almost in slow motion, hair wafting behind me, it was love at first sight. I began to caress its velvety softness beneath my fingers, then, as if by magic, a salesperson appeared.

“Excellent choice Madam,” he began. (I hate being called Madam!)

“It’s just what I’ve been looking for, I’ll take it,” I enthused. I expected him to wrap the sale up quickly. I was paying cash. Surely, I was a salesperson’s dream? I only needed to arrange delivery, it was an in-and-out job.

He sucked air through his teeth, I felt a sense of foreboding. “Is there a problem?” I asked panicking, they might not have it in stock. He asked me to sit on it, then he had me sit on a different sofa.

“Feel the difference? This one has foam cushions. I would recommend you upgrade to these, or your cushions will be flat in no time,” he said.

“Oh, well I don’t want that, ok then.” I shrugged. I had felt the hard sofa frame beneath the non-foam cushions.

“That’s an extra £100. £200 as you’ll want them for both sofas.”

I was buying a three and a two-seater. “Do you have wooden floors?” he asked

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Then you’ll need gliders for the feet, you don’t want your floor ruined.”

“Oh, ok!” I squeaked. I’d just had oak floors laid. “Can I pay and arrange delivery?” I asked as I arose.

“Of course, that’s £99 for delivery, and £36 for the gliders,” he informed me. I winced.

“Do you have kids?” he asked.

“A teenage son,” I nodded.

Then you’ll need stain guard protection.

“He’s very clean,” I argued.

“And I bet he brings friends home,” he commented.

“Yes, lots of friends, that three-seater sofa would seat four, wouldn’t it?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Madam, I would strongly advise stain protection.”

“How much?” I asked wearily.

“£150 for your peace of mind,” he urged.

He’d already added on £335 for cushions, gliders and delivery, with stain protection that would put £485 onto the furniture price. Clarissa (yes, I had already named the suite) was looking less attractive by the minute.

“I just wanted a sofa, that’s all,” was my repeated mantra, as he launched into a spiel about the advantages of stain protection. His voice became distant as I possibly slipped into a boredom-induced coma.

Finally, I could take no more and feigned illness to gain freedom. I’d been there for over an hour.

“Please, let me pay,” I begged. We finally wrapped up business. I hurried off, then froze as he called after me,

“Would you please leave feedback, an 8 or above is considered good, and that sofa can definitely seat four people without any problems,” he assured me.

“But where would I find four people who have no problems?” I mused, slightly hysterically, as I ran from the store, feeling like I’d just been released from a hostage situation.