Tim McGarry: I want to help the environment but above all to annoy Sammy WIlson

And I hate to lower the tone of this family newspaper, but for a household of 4 people, we seem to generate far more of these than seems reasonable or quite frankly, healthy.

I’m also a regular at the bottle bank.

So regular in fact that they have now helpfully re-labelled the bottle bank receptacles, “green”, “brown”, “clear”, “Tim”.

I recycle as much as possible — newspapers, food waste and jokes.

Yes, nothing goes to waste.

My gags can be regularly recycled, re-imagined and re-used.

So all in all, I am doing my bit to save the planet, like the grey haired grandfather of Greta Thunberg.

Admittedly making sure my used tea bags go in the brown bin sometimes seems rather pitiful when China is busy building 127 coal fired power stations a day, and Jair Bolsonaro is turning the Amazon rainforest in to the biggest bonfire in the world, after Kilcooley’s 11th night one. But hey, every little helps.

And inaction is no longer an option.

We may not save the planet but I think it is important to try to do what you can.

I want to help the environment, I want to do as little harm as possible, and most importantly of all,

I want to annoy Sammy Wilson.

Sammy is of a long-term climate change denier.

It was no wonder the DUP made him Environment Minister in 2008.

In the past Sammy said that man-made climate change was a “con” and a “myth based on dodgy science”. (How peculiarly resonant of our current anti-vax Covid-deniers).

In May this year he said the climate change “zealots would have us eating maggots”.

Well maybe Sammy. But only local maggots. Thanks to you other maggots will have to comply with EU food standards checks at Larne.

As COP26 gets under way Northern Ireland yet again stands alone as a beacon of hopelessness.

We are the only part of the UK with no Climate Change law whatsoever. Maybe a few of the Insulate Britain crowd could glue themselves to Sammy until we get one.

• Sinn Fein’s outreach policy — do not patronise your Protestant

News Letter readers may have missed the finer points of the weekend’s Sinn Fein Ard Fheis.

So let me get you up to speed. The good news is that most delegates at the conference and all the senior Shinners were seen wearing masks and strictly obeying Covid guidelines — 16 months too late but hey, thanks for making the effort.

The main message from the Ard Fheis is an invitation to a cheery chat. Yes Unionists are being offered a hand of friendship, a cosy chinwag and who knows may be even a cup of tea.

There was lots of talk about the “Conversation about the new Ireland”. “There’s nothing to fear from a conversation” “Nothing off the table conversation”. To be fair this message is infinitely preferable to “a ballot box in one hand and an armalite in the other”.

And Unionists really do have nothing to fear from having a conversation.

After all —

“Hi- would you like a United Ireland”

“No. Eff off”

-is technically a conversation.

• It is a truth universally acknowledged that Unionism in crisis must be in want of an electoral pact.

Now that Sam McBride has left the paper it is now up to me to do the investigative journalism and I’m delighted to bring you my first scoop from the Sinn Fein Ard Fheis. It’s a world exclusive .

A source has leaked to me Sinn Fein’s brand new top-secret outreach policy.

It is a 10 point “Dos and Don’ts” plan for members on how to talk to Unionists and persuade Protestants to want a United Ireland. Here it is in full

TOP SECRET-

Operation Brits In ( to a United Ireland by 2026*)

*This date is subject to change

• 1 Talk to Protestants. If you have trouble finding a Protestant in your local area try standing on a street corner in the centre of town and say, as loudly as possible, phrases like, “I’m just out of my lodge meeting” “I love that sitcom Londonderry Girls,” or in extreme circumstances “Ben Lowry talks a lot of sense”.

• 2 When talking to Protestants- remember to be nice!!!! For instance you could ask your Protestant how the Northern Ireland football team is doing, but be very careful not to laugh out loud when you hear that they recently lost 3 nil to San Marino.

• 3 Do your research. Buy a News Letter occasionally* to see what Unionists are up to.

(* at the very least every second Thursday)

• 4 Promise Protestants everything. Tell them that in a United Ireland they can still have the NHS, full pensions, free money and the 12th. In fact the 12th will be a 3 day holiday and the Field will be in Phoenix Park.

• 5 Tell your Protestant that their British identity will be protected. Daniel O’Connell’s statue will be replaced by one of Jamie Bryson on his wheelie bin and we will illuminate the GPO red, white and blue every time Rangers win

DO NOT!

• 6 Mention the Ra.

• 7 In fact do not mention the 1970s…or 80s or 90s.

• 8 Show them a selfie of you and Gerry Adams.

• 9 Have “Come Out Ye Black and Tans” as your ring tone

• 10 Most important of all. DO NOT patronise your Protestant.

Apparently they hate being talked down to. But sure, isn’t that just typical of them?

Yes, you read it here first. A United Ireland is surely inevitable now.

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