Tim McGarry: It’d be easier finding 10 righteous men in Sodom than in Boris’ cabinet

To allege that a Prime Minister is dishonest should be shocking.

By Tim McGarry
Thursday, 1st July 2021, 8:00 am
Updated Thursday, 1st July 2021, 6:01 pm
Tim McGarry, who writes a column for the News Letter every other Thursday.
Tim McGarry, who writes a column for the News Letter every other Thursday.

But to call Boris Johnson a liar is like calling water wet and the Protocol a tad unpopular with Unionists.

Is Boris really a liar? Yes. If you were to pile all of his lies one on top of another you would have a mountain that Nepalese Sherpas would have difficulty climbing.

Don’t take my word for it. Ask his former employers. Ask Dominic Cummings. Ask his ex-wives. Ask the DUP.

Matt Hancock addressing the House of Commons (while Boris Johnson listens in, left)

Of course all politicians bend the truth, but Boris has brought bare-faced duplicity to the very heart of government.

He’s been doing it for years and getting away with it.

The astonishing thing is that his falsehoods are so obvious and blatant that they would make Gerry Adams blush.

This week our esteemed Prime Minister tried to claim the credit for sacking Matt Hancock even though he clearly hadn’t. Matt, you may recall, was the health secretary who kept telling us he was working tirelessly to save lives, and was then caught tirelessly snogging a woman who was not his wife.

Tim McGarry's application to be on this year’s Love Island has been rejected

This was in breach of his marital vows and, more importantly, current Covid guidelines (21st century morality; adultery is fine, but not during a pandemic).

Matt clung on to office for a day or two before succumbing to the inevitable and tendering his resignation. Yet a couple of days later Boris implied that he had acted decisively and replaced Hancock.

Even normally staid TV news channels were appalled and pointed out that Boris hadn’t sacked him, he had instead accepted Hancock’s unheartfelt apology, said the matter was closed and told us all to get on with singing 10 German Bombers every five minutes until next Saturday.

The lie was petty and pointless and easily disprovable. So why say it? It must surely indicate that Boris does not lie deliberately. No. The simple truth is that he is simply incapable of telling the truth.

Unfortunately as PM he sets the tone for his government which is truly a ministry of all the talentless.

Well not entirely talentless. They seem superbly adept at getting their mates lucrative contracts.

I don’t know my Bible stories very well but I’m pretty sure it would be easier finding 10 righteous men in Sodom and Gomorrah than in a Tory cabinet. Added to the dishonesty and corruption of course is the complete incompetence.

I mean who among us does not know where the office CCTV cameras are?

• Like all reasonable, moderate, and fair-minded people I was hoping that England would be stuffed five–nil on Tuesday night.

Sadly it was not to be, and instead the Germans succumbed like their car industry was supposed to do during the Brexit negotiations.

Wanting England to lose is of course slightly distasteful, but it is a sentiment shared by many if not most non-English football fans, and it often unites Catholic Protestant and Dissenter.

But where does this desire come from. Is it jealousy? An inferiority complex? Or is it Jack Grealish’s hair-do?

For some nationalists England losing is payback for the Penal Laws and Oliver Cromwell.

I shouldn’t want England to lose. I accept that Gareth Southgate (pictured inset) and Marcus Rashford are good people and, being a liberal Remoaner who is literally drinking a latte whilst writing this, I am a big fan of Gary Lineker.

But with the best will in the world– you can carry a thing too far.

A glance at Wednesday morning’s English tabloid headlines is enough to make me want to go out and buy a Ukraine top.

Given the crowing of English commentators, it’s a wonder UEFA have not simply scrapped the rest of the competition and handed the trophy to England.

Of course it all goes back to the English obsession with 1966. Come on lads.

Get over yourselves! That was 55 years ago!

You wouldn’t find Irish people going on and on about stuff that happened years and years ago.

Would you?

• It is with a heavy heart and deep sadness that I must reveal to my loyal News Letter readers that I have been snubbed, insulted, and cruelly overlooked.

I am not just disappointed, I am frankly upset and indeed angry.

Yes: my application to be on this year’s Love Island has been rejected.

Ok, perhaps I was wrong to admit to the interviewing panel that I had once read a book, and that I knew that Joe Biden wasn’t one of the stars of Made in Chelsea. But I think I’d have added a bit of much needed fatherly maturity to the show.

The refusal to send me to Love Island is ageism, wrinkly bodyism, and grey hairism.

So I’ve launched a judicial review of this perverse, unjustifiable and iniquitous decision.

And I’ll be using the same lawyers Jim Allister hired for his successful legal action to strike down the evil Protocol and save Ulster (editor, please take this bit out if Jim and the boys lose on Wednesday).

So I may not be in a sun drenched villa with a bevy of buffed beauties (see the cast, right) but as one door of opportunity closes another one opens.

Alistair Bushe is leaving, so the News Letter is looking for a new editor.

My application form is ready and a discrimination lawyer is on standby.

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Alistair Bushe