Tim McGarry: Sammy the virologist told Boris it was safe to go to the party

Or is it even worse?

Is it more than the number of DUP threats to collapse Stormont? (A number that currently stands at “sorry I’ve lost count”.)

Mark Twain famously said ‘Always tell the truth. That way you don’t have to remember what you said.’

Unfortunately it is too late for Boris to try this.

He is a serial spoofer.

Simply incapable of honesty.

Whether it be partners, parties, or Protocols Boris’ policy is always to BYOB — bring your own BS.

Boris has now finally admitted that he was at the party on 20th May 2020 and has said sorry to Parliament.

What happens next?

I’m writing this on Wednesday so if he is no longer prime minister by the time the News Letter hits the shops on Thursday morning I apologise.

I’m going to assume that our esteemed leader is still holed up in Downing Street desperately trying to think of plausible explanations and excuses to tell Sue Gray when Sue starts her investigation.

Apparently he’s narrowed it down to seven possibilities.

You are invited to select your favourite lie or the most likely Boris Bluff from the following scenario

SCENE – INTERIOR 10 DOWNING STREET. DAY

BORIS JOHNSON IS AT HIS DESK STARING AT A COMPUTER. HE LOOKS VERY SERIOUS. IN CLOSE UP WE SEE HE IS CHOOSING FROM A NUMBER OF VERY EXPENSIVE WALLPAPERS.

FX – HIS PHONE RINGS.

VOICE

Prime Minister — Jeffrey Donaldson on line 1.

BORIS

Tell him I’m far too busy to talk to the likes of him!

VOICE

And Sue Gray is here to see you.

BORIS

Tell her I’m too busy talking to Jeffrey Donaldson.

ENTER SUE GRAY.

SUE

Stop lying Boris. OK I’ll make this quick. Why were you at that party?

CLOSE UP OF BORIS. THINKING. WHICH EXCUSE WILL HE CHOOSE?

BORIS

Well Sue em the thing is..em…

1. I am not Boris Johnson. My name is actually Bojak Johnkovic the world famous tennis player. So the rules don’t apply to me.

2. The party at Number 10 was not a party. It was a republican funeral, so the rules didn’t apply to this event.

3. I was not at the party. I sent a lookalike with a wig. At the time of the party (which I definitely wasn’t at!) I was actually in flagrante with a lady friend who is not my wife.

4. I didn’t intend to be at the party. I was only in the garden at Number 10 because Carrie and I had the decorators in. And when you’re spending £112,549 on a bit of painting and decorating you’d best stay out of their way.

5. Alright yes, I was at the party but Sammy Wilson and Paul Frew told me it was safe and they are world renowned experts on virology.

6. Yes I was at the party but I didn’t organise it. In fact I was the one who stopped them hiring Van Morrison to do the cabaret.

7. Wibble wibble, whiff waff, vaccine roll out, carpe diem, Diocletian, I got Brexit done, fancy a wee tete a tete on the terrace Sue? Bring your own wine. Ok how about a PPE contract would that shut you up?

• I am part of the Elite Nationalist Network – and Kate has sussed us

At the risk of annoying Kate Hoey, I wish to confess to you my readers that many years ago I used to be in the legal profession.

Having driven the united Ireland agenda as far as I could by being a third rate lawyer I then became involved in the media and now look at me!

Yes I admit it. I am a fully paid up member of the Elite Nationalist Network.

Kate has sussed us out. She has uncovered the ENN conspiracy.

We Tims are busy infiltrating everywhere in our typically sly unreformed papist way.

Like every other Catholic, ex-Catholic, lapsed Catholic or person with a vaguely Catholic sounding name, I can’t and don’t think for myself.

I am simply a deep undercover proto-Shinner whose sole aim in life is to destroy Ulster.

I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but the Elite Nationalist Network meets every second Thursday after Mass. We meet in Joe Brolly’s house, or the nearest GAA hall.

All discussions are held in Irish in case Ben Lowry is eavesdropping.

We first of all discuss how Celtic are doing, debate which fish is best for Friday dinner, sing Amhran na bhFiann, say a quick decade of the Rosary and then we Zoom link up with our paymasters in Dublin and Rome who give us our orders.

For instance last year His Holiness Pope Francis himself gave me my secret Elite Nationalist Network mission. He commanded me to infiltrate the traditional unionist media by having a column in the News Letter.

(Some republicans say that by writing for the News Letter I have “taken the soup” but I can assure them that it is very thin gruel indeed.)

This week at ENN, we discussed how to fatally undermine the link between Northern Ireland and the rest of the UK. After much debate we decided that the best way to sabotage the Union was just to let Kate Hoey, Jamie Bryson and Jim Allister get on with what they are doing.

So we agreed to do nothing. Typical lazy fenians.

Honestly, it’s a wonder we were able to become the Elite.

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