Jackie McGregor: Surviving the stigma of sibling estrangement

Oasis band members, brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher, have been feuding for 15 years with no sign of an olive branch, and Hollywood actresses, sisters, Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland, didn’t speak to each other for 40 years.

Sibling estrangement is common, yet a taboo subject. Stigma and judgement fall upon those who have chosen to walk away from their families. We may grow up the best of friends with our brothers and sisters, but factors can creep into adult sibling relationships, that cause a permanent breakdown.

One of the most common causes of estrangement, as in Prince Harry’s case, can be marriage. An outsider can upset the equilibrium of loving birth family relationships, if they want the person all to themselves. Other causes of sibling feuds can be the imbalance of who provides care for an elderly parent, or disputes over a late parent’s last will and testament.

The development of an illness like dementia in a parent of advancing years, can cause much consternation to adult children. There is usually one adult child who will end up shouldering most or all caring duties. Excuses may be made by siblings including, career/parenthood/distance problems as a hurdle to their care participation, and soon, one adult child will find themselves the nominated carer. The others then withdraw with relief and gradually visits to the ailing parent may become infrequent.

Even with a heart full of love towards the stricken parent, being the primary carer, can become a heavy burden to carry. Here, the cracks in sibling relationships can begin to develop, when the carer begins to feel put-upon and abandoned by their parent’s other children, as the daily caring grind begins to affect their own wellbeing. And when the death of the parent occurs, the contents of their will can blow up a family completely, if expectations of what is coming to them aren’t met. Parental wills are a notorious source of sibling estrangement.

The relationship between siblings is described as the longest lasting we’ll have, but that is not true of everyone. Some find family relationships are not always life-long, significant or supportive. This can leave an individual feeling untrusting and isolated.

Family is a close bond we have since birth, so it can be emotionally devastating when contact with one or more family members stops. It’s a seldom discussed topic but Prince Harry has helped bring estrangement into the news when he wrote so bitterly about his family in his book, ‘Spare’.

No one likes to admit that relations have soured with those they once looked upon as protectors and friends. Eleven years have passed since I became estranged from my family, it’s a sad situation, but I have learned to stand alone, a tree without roots.