Jackie McGregor: Many find themselves in pointless marriages because they have contravened the rules
I gagged slightly at actress Lisa Faulkner and TV chef John Torode’s Instagram post which read, ‘The only thing in life to learn is just to love and be loved in return.’
This quote was beneath a loved-up photo of the couple. Torode was gazing at her like she was a lump of delicious fresh cream pavlova that he was about to take a bite of. ‘Yuck!’ I thought.
The post had over 25,000 likes and comments proclaiming how fortunate she was to have a man who looked at her like that.
Oh, bore off! I thought. It probably took an age to get just the right Instagram shot. A photographer was probably urging, “Look at Lisa, now think Pavlova John.”
For all we know her marriage could be totally pointless, just like mine!
Let me explain, I am currently hacked off because hubby has gone and lost all his points! Things had been going well, he had earned brownie points for tea-making, taking me out to dinner and finally clearing out the garage.
However, since accruing these points I’ve had to deduct them from him for missing bin day, not answering when I spoke to him, and most annoyingly, eating the posh bar of chocolate I had stashed away for the weekend. This created the atmosphere of him knowing he’s done something wrong but not sure what, and me acting miffed but refusing to tell him why.
When moving house recently, I unearthed a copy of the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, in which the author, Dr John Gray, discussed point scoring between partners.
He states that in relationships, our partner can go from hero to zero if they do something that contravenes our own personal relationship rules. I have a long list of rules which hubby is often in breach of. I however, am a dream to live with, or am I?
Gray claimed we may not be aware that we point score in our relationships, but we unwittingly keep an eye on the ‘giving’ our partner does. We mentally award points for thoughtfulness and kindness. When one partner feels they are giving more than the other, resentment starts to set in and it’s hard to get those positive points back.
Perhaps Lisa was having a veiled swipe at Torode, reminding him that he needed to learn that she needs to be loved in return!
Maybe she feels she’s doing all the loving, perhaps he has contravened some of her relationship rules and he’s lost all his points - just saying! All is rarely as it seems in showbiz relationships, where it’s all about getting social media likes.
Dr John Gray’s book may be a bit dated these days, but there’s truth in his point scoring theory, we award mental ‘likes’ to our partners when they are thoughtful towards us.
I once met an old lady in a care home who’d had a long and happy marriage. She still gazed at the photo of her late husband with unadulterated love.
“He was a wonderful husband,” she said, “he could read me like a book!”
I knew exactly what she meant - he understood every word she never said.
It’s the little thoughtful acts and courtesies that make love flourish, without them marriage is pointless!