Jonny McCambridge: The parcel just refuses to arrive...until I decide to nip out for a pint of milk

The sound of Ralph Vaughan Williams’ The Lark Ascending floats down the phone line. Context is everything. In the right setting I love the majesty of the soaring strings arrangement. At this moment I just want to wring the violinist’s neck.

It is unusual to be holding a landline again. I keep starting to walk away but then realising that I can’t do so without yanking the lead out of the wall.

Eventually there is a voice, an English accent.

‘Hello, how can I help you today sir?’

‘You guys were supposed to deliver a phone to my house two days ago. I waited in all day but it didn’t come. I waited in all day yesterday as well but again it didn’t come. Then today, I left the house for ten minutes, I went to the corner shop to buy a pint of milk, and when I came back there’s a bloody card in my letterbox saying that I’ve missed the delivery. Ten minutes I was out for. Ten minutes!’

‘It says here that we sent you a text message telling you what time the phone was going to be delivered this morning sir.’

‘Yes, but my mobile is broken, that’s why I bought a new one. The new one that you guys were supposed to deliver to my house two days ago. Whenever I eventually get my new phone and get it turned on I very much look forward to receiving that text message.’

The voice on the other end doesn’t seem to know how to respond to this so I keep going.

‘Why didn’t the driver just leave it on the doorstep, or with a neighbour?’

‘We prefer not to do that sir.’

‘Oh really? That’s funny, because there’s a box on the card he put through my door for him to fill in which neighbour’s house he left the package at. But he’s left that blank, instead he’s ticked the box which says he’s taken my phone away with him again in the van!’

‘As I said sir, we prefer to give the package to the correct household.’

‘Well, where is he now?’

‘Excuse me sir?’

‘The van driver, it couldn’t be more than 15 minutes since he was here. Can you get him to come back?’

‘I’m afraid we can’t do that sir, he has other deliveries.’

‘Well, tell me where he is and I’ll go to him. I’ll lie down in front of his van if I have to just to get my new mobile.’

‘I’m sorry sir, but it’s against policy.’

I start to feel some of my agitation seeping out, being replaced by the gloomy inevitability of defeat.

‘Well, can you just tell when how I can get my phone?’

‘Well, we can deliver it to your house from 10am tomorrow sir, if you think you’re going to be at home?’

‘Of course I’m going to be at home. I only went out for ten minutes to get a pint of milk so my son and I would be able to have our Coco Pops in the morning.’

‘Or if you prefer sir, we can deliver it to another address tomorrow from 10am?’

‘What other address? The flipping Dalai Lama in Tibet?’

‘Or if you prefer sir, you can pick the phone up from your nearest depot to save time.’

‘Alright, how soon can I pick it up?’

‘You can pick it up tomorrow....from 10am.’

‘So, not really saving time at all then?’

‘As I said sir, it’s up to you which option is most convenient.’

‘Well, can you just deliver it to my house tomorrow morning then?’

‘Of course sir, will you be home to accept the delivery?’

‘Unless my house goes on fire I’ll be inside it.’

‘Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?’

‘No, I just want my new phone. It’s no fun not having a mobile. I can’t get hold of anyone, nobody can get hold of me. I’ve no idea what important correspondence I am missing.’

‘Ok sir, we’ll send you a text in the morning to let you know what time to expect the driver.’

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