‘Phillip Schofield’s story is not that uncommon in NI’

TV presenter Phillip Schofield recently revealed he is gay, following 27 years of marriage to his wife Stephanie. His emotionally-charged announcement shocked the nation, but just how common is his situation?

According to Relate NI’s chief executive, Duane Farrell, Phillip Schofield’s story, in terms of being gay and in a heterosexual marriage, is not at all uncommon in Northern Ireland, though it is believed to be less common than it may have been in the past.

‘‘For many years, Northern Ireland has lagged behind Great Britain in terms of legislative developments such as decriminalisation of consensual sex between men, discrimination protections and most recently in terms of provision for same sex marriage,’’ said Mr Farrell.

‘‘This has created a culture where people were afraid to come out, in some instances even to themselves.’’

He added that ‘‘strong political and faith opposition’’ to same sex attraction has meant that it has been very difficult to lead an ‘‘authentic life’’ for LGB&T individuals.

‘‘For some people, discovering their same sex attraction has been something which has happened in later life, other people have married the person they loved at that point in their lives and some people have felt that marriage was an expectation of them.’’

When a person comes out later in life, they are often applauded for their bravery, but what about the person they were married to or in a relationship with? Is their voice heard?

‘‘What we know is that there is not a single reaction to the disclosure of same sex attraction by an intimate partner,’’ said Mr Farrell.

‘‘Some families are supportive of their parent/spouse; some people may be shocked, and others have reported being angry. No matter how supportive they are of their partner coming out, for them it can be hard to make sense of the life they have led.

‘‘They have to come to terms with the fact that their marriage may have ended, that it may not have been the marriage they thought it was. Such a disclosure can raise feelings of powerlessness and people report feeling isolated as friends and family may not know what to say to them and either respond in anger or judgement, neither of which is helpful to the person.

‘‘A lot of people in this position may not even want their voice to be heard as the story can be one of shame and embarrassment. Their partners have spent many years processing their feelings and coming to terms with their sexuality, for the other partner that process is just beginning.’’

Many people observing Schofield’s story will wonder why a person marries or continues a heterosexual relationship if they know or suspect they are gay.

According to Mr Farrell there are a host of reasons why people disclose same sex attraction after many years of being in an opposite sex relationship/ marriage.

‘‘Many people have married not realising that they have a same sex attraction. Perhaps those feelings have been repressed as a response to homophobic views which are present in their family or community.

‘‘Some people may have suspected they are same sex attracted but believed that they could deny those feelings.’’

Philip Schofield and his wife have two daughters, and many will wonder about the impact on them.

Mr Farrell said:‘‘How partners deal with this news will likely determine how the news impacts on children and the wider family circle.

‘‘Human reactions indicate that initial reactions will focus on what, if anything, will change as a result of this news.

‘‘Kids’ first concern will be how will the family change? Will mammy or daddy still live here? If both partners are in a position to reassure children that the love of their parents for them has not changed, it can help allay any fears or concerns children may have.’’

He added that involving children and young people appropriately, perhaps through family counselling, can also ensure that their voice is heard as family relationships are being discussed.

‘‘Research evidence indicates that conflict between parents which is frequent, intense and poorly resolved affects children’s future life chances, specifically by impacting on their physical and mental health and educational attainment.’’

As well as having to deal with their own emotions, couples may also find themselves subject to societal judgement.

‘‘In our experience, instances such as this can inspire strong reactions in Northern Ireland,’’ said Mr Farrell.

‘‘More recently, social attitudes are changing and some people will feel sorry that couples find themselves in this situation, they will applaud the person who has finally been able to come out. Other parts of society will view the issue entirely differently and reach through anger and dismay.

‘‘Ultimately, wider reactions can be an unwelcome intervention at what can be a challenging time for everyone directly involved.

‘‘What is of prime importance is that those directly involved have time, space and support to communicate clearly with each other. Having to deal with a wider community or societal reaction will distract from this priority.’’

Some couples will decide to go their separate ways after the disclosure, but others will opt to stay together.

‘‘There are examples of couples deciding to maintain a relationship after disclosure of same sex attraction,’’ said Mr Farrell.

‘‘Couples may decide to focus on what is good about their family life and their relationship, and negotiate a set of new boundaries for their relationship and continue to live as a couple.

‘‘Others may decide to continue a relationship as friends and not as a couple. With recent changes in social attitudes and increased visibility of LGB&T issues, stories are emerging regularly of couples continuing to maintain some form of relationship which they have been able to negotiate and agree.

‘‘For some it’s about continued friendship and companionship, for others it’s about being able to effectively co-parent.’’

Relate NI’s advice would be for both parties to seek some counselling support, either as a couple or individually to see how they can understand their situation and to see how they move forward.

‘‘It is important that they see the wider impact of their situation but that both people are also given space to explore their own needs and consider the impact on future plans and relationships,’’ said Mr Farrell.