Jonny McCambridge: I’ve become the bearded man with 5,000 years supply of aftershave

There were a few reasons for this. One was that adults seemed to prefer sitting on armchairs, sipping tea and holding conversations to obviously more fun activities such as running around in muddy fields, getting stung by nettles and collecting worms and insects in jars.

Their telly was rubbish also. One of my least favourite days of the year was when the afternoon half hour of children's programming was shifted to make way for the live broadcasting of the chancellor's delivery of the budget, which seemed interminable, impenetrable and mind-numbingly boring (my position has never evolved on this).

And then there were the presents. For a lad, Christmas gifts meant toys and selection boxes, Easter meant chocolate eggs and birthdays meant cold, hard cash in the form of a fiver in a card. None of this was particularly imaginative, but was always welcome nonetheless.

Presents, for grown-ups, seemed miserable by contrast. Every December my Ma would give and receive a series of tins of Family Circle biscuits. I recall suggesting to her that as the outgoing and incoming gifts never shifted from the traditional biscuits, it would save everyone's time if we just bought a tin for ourselves, abandoned the obviously pointless ritual, and left it at that. I was shushed.

For my Da, it was always smellies - gift boxes which contained bottles of aftershave and body spray. The variety came in ripping off the paper to see if the chosen brand was Old Spice or Blue Stratos. The problem was, for all but the most odour-aware of men, there is only so much aftershave that you can use and I remember the bottles gathering dust in our bathroom cabinet.

Now that I am a middle-aged man, I take a broader view of the ritual of presents. I enjoy the giving part and am always genuinely delighted to receive anything. I understand that it is the sentiment which is important, rather than the specifics.

Which is just as well, because I am now the owner of A LOT of aftershave, all of which has been gifted to me. I'll mention the elephant in the room straightaway. I have a beard. I do not shave. Of course, this does not preclude me from splashing on a bit of cologne when the mood takes me, but it seldom does.

The last time I put on aftershave was on my 50th birthday, which was more than a year ago. Considering my current consumption rate and the number of bottles crammed into my little bedside set of drawers, I reckon I have enough cologne to last me more than 5,000 years.

I also have bounteous collection of tubs and tubes of moisturiser. This is potentially more useful. I've never looked after my skin well and, as I enter my sixth decade, I've become more aware of the dry and bumpy patches on my face which could benefit from the application of a soothing balm.

But it just doesn’t come naturally. I try to be as open-minded as possible, but we are all, to an extent, prisoners of our culture and past. For a man reared in 1970s rural north Antrim, maintaining a good skincare regime will probably never rank as a priority.

The rest of the bottles in the smellies gift sets will not last. I can always use the shampoo, shower gel and anti-perspirant spray. However, the batch I received this past Christmas shows how much harder they are trying than in the vintage days of the Old Spice white bottle.

Now, I am the owner of a grey tube which describes itself in small white lettering as 'charcoal face scrub' (with nothing as vulgar as capital letters in sight). Underneath, it clarifies with the phrase 'gommage pour le visage' and 'ginseng and purify complex'.

I go to the back of the tube to find out more information about this mysterious elixir, but all that it adds is that the contents are '98% natural origin', which immediately starts me wondering what is in the other 2%.

I set it aside and pick up another tube which screams at me ’DEEP EXFOLIATING FACE SCRUB' (with nothing as vulgar as lower-case letters in sight.) This stuff, it may or may not reassure you to know, is 'HYDRA ENERGETIC' and is, apparently enriched with Vitamin C and 'EXFOLIATING BEADS'.

I move on to products that I actually understand, but even they are a little bit different. The anti-perspirant spray is 'New Boosted Fresh Tech', using its 'magnesia absorbing system' to eliminate odours for 96 hours.

The shampoo is not to be underestimated either as it as a 'strengthening caffeine shampoo' (or 'shampooing fortifiant a la caffeine', if you prefer). It contains 'cedarwood and vit E complex'.

I turn to the shower gel. Surely this will be more straightforward? Well, not quite, cause it’s actually 'shower foam' (mousse de douche). This will provide me with a 'foaming shower gel sensation'.

It also contains 'cedar wood', which leads me to the intriguing question of whether this the same substance as the 'cedarwood' in the shampoo or something else entirely?

There is just time, I think, quickly to mention the other shower gel bottle which equally impressively and bafflingly calls itself 'INVINCIBLE SPORT 5 IN 1.' This wonderful potion is 'enriched with camphor' and boasts that it 'instantly refreshes the body and mind'.

The five in question turn out to be a peculiar mixture of four nouns and one verb - body, face, hair, beard, moisturise. This may seem a bit thin but I also wonder did they miss a trick by failing to mention moustache and then branding it as '6 in 1'?

As with all the presents I've been given, I am truly humbled and grateful. I will finish now, I am away to raid what is left in my son's selection boxes.