Jackie McGregor: ​The self-comfort in bad-mouthing a spouse – I'd only gone in for a loaf

I don’t recall what set her off. It was as though the conversation had already been playing in her head, and my presence had given her the opportunity to say it aloud. I heard all about his laziness, nasty habits and bad parenting skills. I’d only went in for a loaf!

We’ve all been there, listened uncomfortably to a friend or a family member as they bad-mouthed their spouse. The practice might feel cathartic for the unhappy partner, but it’s cringeworthy for their audience.

Someone else who’s been engaging in a spot of spousal criticism is former First Lady, Michelle Obama.

Thanks to now having her own platform in the form of a podcast, Michelle has been expressing grievances about her other half and appears to be deeply disillusioned with the institution of marriage. She seems to be trying to distance herself from her husband, perhaps to launch herself as a separate “brand,” the buzzword of our times.

Just last week when asked if she would have liked to have had a son, she replied, “I’m so glad I didn’t have a boy because he would’ve been a Barack Obama.”

Even if uttered under the pretence of a joke, it’s not the nicest thing to say!

On previous podcasts, she’s also made comments dripping with bitterness about the former US President. Could a split be on the cards? Although she recently shut down rumours of a divorce, all does not appear rosy in the Obamas’ marital garden!

This kind of behaviour is often a tell-tale sign that the end of the relationship may be near and serves complicated purposes for those involved. It can be a way of emotionally preparing themselves to detach from the relationship.

When our own sense of worth feels most threatened, criticising the other person in the couple is a common defence mechanism. Although slagging off a partner might provide some relief to the one doing it, it can cause great distress to any children involved.

To hear one parent disparage the other, can be damaging and make a child feel torn between loyalties, poisoning any future co-parenting relationship.

With the breakdown of a marital union many people grapple with feelings of loss and a sense of failure. In an effort to cope with these emotions it’s easier to place blame, painting the spouse as the sole architect of the failure of the marriage, casting them as the villain and presenting themselves as the victim. It’s a way of proclaiming, “It’s all their fault, look at what poor me has had to put up with!” portraying themselves as the long-suffering partner, to generate sympathy and support from friends and family, to help them on the difficult road ahead.

The urge to gain support can be powerful, but public criticism is never a good look, as Michelle Obama is finding out. Public opinion of her is in decline because of these antics.

As author Deepak Chopra wisely mused, “When you blame and criticise others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.”